i'm your true desire

sad!
once more my world is ripped out from beneath my feet!
i feel like i have most of my life.
it never seems to stop.
when will i find peace........when will i heal?
really i pray that it happens soon
i cant take it anymore
im honestly losing it
emotional..........
im numb
physically.............
in pain
but cant cry even if i tried
spiritally............
lost
dont understand why i have to go thru it all again
so

god when will u relieve me of my burden.............

Current Mood: numb

lately.........
i cant breathe ur sufficating me...........
release ur grip..........
the funny thing is ur not even around.......
yet u still sufficate me!

i cant see u, or hear u or even touch u
how do u know ur there?

who r u?
all u cause is pain

slowly dying
there is so much u probably want to say but u cant even talk
i wish i knew what would make u happy
or what could cure u
but i dont and they cant do anything to help u
so i guess ill just sit and watch u detirorate
only to sob when u cant me so close ur eyes
i cant hold it in anymore

ur world falling apart
watching the lov of ur life die slowler
and yet it causes u to almost die
the stress is killing but u cant escape the stress
ill pray for u but he wont hear me
i hope he hears ur prayers
i dont want to lose u too
please dont leave

death...............
so why r we born if we die.........?
for some they die before they r born
not spiritual or methaphorically speaking but die in the womb.
we do we die painfully
or even knowing when or time will be like cancer.
is there really an after life?
i truly wonder.
will those people met god.
saying there is one?
i mean know there has to be one........
at least i hope there is.
death.....
will u come knocking on my door for the one i lov.
shes not ready...... at least i dont want to see her go.
none of this is meant for people to really read
its just for me to vent
to feel as though im sharing my hard times with someone who cares.
so a few weeks ago my grandma is diagnosed with cancer but a slow spreading so i think ok not that bad.
then friday she was diagnosed with a different kind of cancer.
so she has 2 types one slow one deadly and rapid in growth.
xmas is around the corner. i wonder if its the last i will spend with her.
then a good friend of the family baby died inside of her today
the bitter sweet part comes in with the fact shes had a hard time getting pregant and then when she does she is pregnant with twins. nows heres the punch only one died the other is alive. so should we be happy or sad? well right now im both. why?
so ths xmas is different from the rest all of sudden i feel like i want to disappear.
why do people die........
while others live
so when do i die....?

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: silence

love............?
how do u know u really love someone...........
i mean u can
but it may not be god's will
or is it?
or is it just my will?
so love what is it really..........
is it someone to call on when ur bored
what bout when ur not bored.....
or some1 who cares for u so deeply they'll love u after they see u puke.....hehe
or what about .......
who knows
so im bummed
i lov?
who will?
so i continue to pray........
but without followong his will my prayers r useless....
and all ill know is my will

the last time we meet i was distant.....
the time before that i had become nonexistant
so....
here i am before u......
ive changed so much since the last time ive taken time to really write.
i am not the same on outside nor on the inside.
on the ouside i have fluffed off the bad, like fat 10 lbs. long hair for short hair that has blonde in it..just for starters.....
the inside is completely different. where should i even begin.....
well for starters i found someone i have taken the time to get to know.
ive torn down a wall that has existed for as long as i could remember.........
the wall is down and i am vonerable......
but i am content, very pleased...... some could even say i have faced lov once more....
but a lov i haven never seen before......
who knows....maybe its the same but i am too blind to see......
i continue school and work......but much morre work.......so little time
so much to do and all i do is try to make time for every1....
ive been surrounded bylov from every direction.
im just overwhelmed with stress..........
its late and im tired....
its time for me to sleep and dream of a lov i chase.....
not only in my dreams but in life....
so is it u or will i continue to search
but for know i will lie here in ur arms......
just with my eyes closed.
night

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: my winding thoughts

hehe..................
so life is great!
for the most part.........
not much i could ask for
except wisdom and knowledge to get me thru skwel......
but thats it.
<3's how things are.....
ive been out and bout w/the boi and some friends....
good times.
halloween a blast! i miss u lydsey sorry ive been busy.
all i do is relax in front of the tube.
sorry my fone cut out so call u later.
so i have no idea why im updating. i just need to get a few things off my mind.
so.....
here i go........
the things i want to change order doenst count.
1. people
2. skwel
3. anatomy grade
4. move out
5. stop worrying bout nursing skwel
6. relationship with God
7. analze my life
8. my purpose?
9. what have i become?
10. figure things out for myself
11. dont listn to people who put me down
12. apreciate the little things
13. <3<3 lots of it.........but ignore my anger thats boiling in me
14. k thats most of it but mainly get on track again......life, skwel, fam, freidns, boi, me....not that much huh?
do u ever feel alone and yet have everything?
i do
so why? why do i feel that when i have it all?
so what am i searching for i dont already have?
well only time will tell.....
til then im going back into my void........night

Current Mood: lethargic
Current Music: the rinse- just like me

u..........
u appear only when i least expect it...........
ur touch calms my soul.....
ur voice calms my heart........
u were unexpected...
yet....... u continue to frighten me.......
stop.....
i cant feel like this anymore!

Current Mood: impressed
Current Music: kinison- a new way to dance

bloody dust
dust all around me.
pure white what a lingering temptation u r.
a cut a line........
will u hurt me.
will i bleed....?
or will u take me far from reality?
hum........ i wish i only knew.
a habit so calming,
so life taking,
so desired.
all i need is a cut.
a cut of the unknown.
how i wish i could see ur dark tunnels of dripping red.
a line, a cut, a dream of anything that is not here......
if u only know how much joy that would bring me.........
because i dont know why im here.
i dont know why.......
only u...
u know.......
or at least u think u do.........
but this isnt about u......
its embedded far beyond u into my skin......
the skin, i want tear from my body..
as if i could hang it up and step in to someone elses........
a line, a cut, a dream....
an escape from all that is haunting me.....
an hollow set of eyes that stare back at me.....
wondering if u will ever be whole......
u wont tho.... ull never recover what u took from me....
ill never feel the way i did before........
before.........

becky, steph this isnt about u..... swear. it goes deeper than u know. deeper than ive ever shared with anyone so dont take offense to it, please. it has nothing to do with u guys... sorry. i never meant to hurt u, either of u.

Current Mood: nostalgic

InSoMiA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
it's offical i have insomia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i cant believe people actually live their lives like this........i'm dieing. my head constantly feels like its going to explode! kill me now. i hate it. i even missed my most important claas and lab this morning because i couldnt do it anymore. i think i need to see a doctor. my life is just in motions not reality. i now understand fight club so much more better. because nothing sems like reality i feel like im looking at someone's life thier a peep hole but im really not livng it. i need to find something to control it. i stood up all weekend long and when i did fall asleep it was for like a total of 4 hours a night but off and on. i have no drive no consintration no i dont know. even my ADD has gotten worse but better. let me explain now i dont even have the energy to just from one tangent to the next but i cant focus on anything for a long period of time. so i had fun while my rents were out of town. but missed the girls. my teeth hurt alot too this weekend. but that didnt stop me from eating. i need to start working out. myabe that will help me sleep. i need to find a cure. i feel like im just going thru the motions......................i dont have any emotions or anger or happiness just a life thats on pause. but it has help me think a lot i can say that................any suggestions?

Current Mood: listless
Current Music: the kinison- american collectibles

so long since we' met eyes...........
i haven't seen anyone really in so long. i kinda feel off the face of the earth! but not really just doing school...........it sucks! i have to find a nursing i want to go to asap! but i have a feelling i won't be able to start until spring of '05 shot me... i want to got out of school so that means i have the fall semester to just take fun class that would be so nice though......hum maybe its not that bad of a thing...........well waht have i been doing just hanging with becky and steph when ever i get a chance. practically living at border's studying. plus my friend austin came over friday night and we played video games i won 4 xs when we played grand turismo 3 my favorite game ever. i saw the colour thursday they r my favorite band right now. they're so good and so hot! esp the singer with his pelvic v...lovs it! saturday studied then visited some friends. and ran in to some really good old friedns. which was really nice. oh yeah i got bored and cut me hair........um today i saw lyndsey at school and we talked for awhile and i met her boi. they r so cute together. makes me want one but i have no time alas......well class is going to start so i have to go.maye well met again sometime soon

Current Music: motion city soundtrack in my head

lost control of my car, almost......
today was hectic.........
im so sick! i want to roll over and die.....
i had to take my bro to school in walnut and i had class today at 8am in rancho such a long drive. plus i had to come back home after class make dinner and call schools about nursing programs and do homework plus put in hours at lab at school from the hours on 12:30 to 4. so as u figured a little stressed and on the go. so this is when my day got worse.........i left my house to go to school to do lab hours plus go to class and as soon as i got on the freeway i ran over some small metal piece and my tire blew out! my car started loose control and i pulled off the freeway onto the side of the road on the first exit. 100's of car passed by all slowing to see what happened but the sad part was only 2 people stopped to see if i was ok or needed help. so sad. i live in the 9bro9 and all these guys in big lifted trucks passed by. so u figure sweet maybe one of them can help me theyre big macho kinda guys right?! wrong..... the only two people that stopped to help were dads. one was a middle age firefighter and a middle age dad in an older mercedes. god bless them that was so sweet of them to stop. it comforted me but i didnt have a spare and had to get my car towed home. so i missed class plus lab and feel even worse. so it has been proven amoung my generation chivery (how ever u spell it) is dead! im going to take a nap now maybe i'll feel better......

Current Mood: shocked
Current Music: the sound of my tire blowing out over and over again

life.....
why do we desire what is out of our reach?
the pain i feel is never ending.....
i desire all that i cant have
even if i were to obtain it id want to give it back

ur whole life is filled with so many things
so many things that u desire and cant obtain
i feel empty, alone

so alone that i dont even desire
why desire
for i know that i am not desired............

so should i stop breathing to end my misery
only God stands in my way
He is my only reason to continue in this empty hollow life............

Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: noise rachet- til we have faces

cant sleep!
i havent been able to really sleep lately!!!!!but really im tired i want to sleep but my mind wont let me rest...........so much is going on inside of it. i hate it. right now im so tired and yet im not. i mean i yawn but my eyes dont close. ive been really busy with school at least trying to be. today i stuided and did hw for like 4 hours no joke im so proud of myself. yay! i cant for tonight im so ready to go dancing! i have two outfits i might wear. either its pink or orange..... so excited. yes girls night!but its cool peace out

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: fuse tv

why cant people just leave me alone...........
well not everyone just matt!!!!!!!!!! he doesnt get it first u try to be nice then u try to be straight foward then what do u do.......especially if their life is corrupted right now! i have to be the bigger person! BUT REALLY WHO SAYs "I KNOW MY LIFE IS FULL OF SIN BUT IT'S WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW," and go on to say u know ur goign to hell but have any oh well attitude when all u use to do is preach ur head off to every1..... really!? get over urself. and if u dont know who matt is hes my ex.... bad choice. well i had a long day today but a good one. i went to school and had to fight pyscho traffic. and was so hungrey so stopped at mcdonalds thinking it was a fast food place but fyi everyone its not! i had to wait 10 min just to get my change of $5. how ridiculous plus i was late to class and had been up since 550am. gross! then came home after class and hung out with the mom she was in such a good mood......yay! we got our nails done and went to shopping places but i couldnt find anything i wanted so it sucked! i screwed myself over........cuz that mood wont happen again anytime soon.then went to night class and that suxed of course and came home to hang out with steph for abit and bought tixs but overdrew my account when i know i have money in it>>>>>>>>>>.....so weird why does the bank do that. well i have no clue and have to go back to studying wont thing ever.......night

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: my brother tell nd lines best movie ever

school.....
well this weekend was weird spent alot of time out but not really about. friday and sat at chain. i had fun but got picked on a lot! andy stole my shoes but i got them back later. it got old! sunday i hung out with some people but it wasnt really fun it just made me uncomfortable! but oh well...... monday night i went to the beach with becks and steph... i had fun but was so tired this morning!!!!!!!!!!and to night i had class and went to dennys to study with some guy from my class.... i really like being alone right now.... no boys,gross! well school needs to end and i need to start studying!

my burdens are so many
yet the time i desire is so few
alone is where i find myself
alone yet never contemplating why that is
i would rather be alone
than with another burden to add to my many
this way i have more time
time to be carefree
time to enjoy life........
time to grow into what gods wants for me
but that is something i will never know.......

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: noise rachet-end

weeeeeeeeeeee.........
so my night was different..... i went to la with cody and his air force friend. it was k but i had fun. his friend was a big redneck and made me laugh a lot. other than that the night was cool. i did nothing special just laughed alot. yesterday i had fun at chain wacthing people and getting picked on a lot. especially by andy and kelly. i even got my shoes stolen. some scary mullet guy gave me back my shoes i was so happy. well it was beckys last day at chain. i think i want to apply there i really want a job there itd be cool..........i lov wacthing people and listening to band even when they arent very good....so labor day weekend is k but at least i did hw and cleaned. yay!

Current Music: cursive-

lately.........
things have been great not much to complain but except school!! so i should be thrilled right? well just latley im not......things just feel misplaced.....lost a void.....even after i read my bible. things just feel empty like at somewhere and really not there.. like im watching my life through a set of eyes my actions dont effect. yesterday after i got the email that freaked me... i was driving to stephs and i pulled into the turn a little early and a car came towards me head on and it didnt even phase me the other car pulled away at the last second... i dont know whats wrong with me... i feel the way someone would be for they cry but i dont need or feel like crying. i dont think id help..... i even cut my hair this morning on my own thinking id get the void out and it didnt.....i dont even feel like doing anything tonight except stay at home in pjs and do hw. pretty pathetic! i need to feel my void. i need to get away for awhile alone. alone from family school friends. not that its they fault i feel this way cuzz its not.. its me and i dont know why. on a bright note i had fun last night at chain w/steph and becky but the music was k. the last band sucked! the others werent that good either but they were hott. i loved that. some songs were good by different bands.

k well going to veg out on hw bye......

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: the dresden dolls- back stabber live

SO WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm so freaked out!!!!!!i think i might throw up..........my ex pyscho boyfriedn emailed me with all this crap thats not even true! why cant he just leave me alone!!!!!!! bc thats exactly what i want from him!!!!!!!!!i feel so sick.seriously. not even joking. what does he want with me........why must he try to talk to me! well oh a good note i stood at my friend's dorm last night and saw the prince and me and hung out the gilrs and then later at night i hung out with my friend austin.........i had so much fun seeing people i lov. well going out my bfs tonight what more could i want! god is good!!!!!! he will watch over me so the ex is not even a problem!

Current Mood: scared
Current Music: cursive

good day..................
such a good day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i had class and went running and then ate begals with stpeh!! yummmmm........ yay! my hair looks hottt!!!!!! i lov it! i hate school.........its offical! my hw is just getting boring. ok u know how that goes. just talking on the phone trying to get myself to do hw! kkkkkkkkkkk not motivated....just blanking out into space looking at the computer..........k well i hate school and lov music. ill just drop out and get attts and piercing and marrry a starving musicians. but i came to a conclusion today no more ice cream at least all the time...hehe i might actually lose weight that way and all my running wont go to waste....

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: my chemical romance- i'm not ok

ice cream yum!
i've eaten ice cream everyday for the past 2 weeks and some days i eat 2xs in one day. but i also run 5 days a week and work with kids 1day so i relax 1dayhat. so hopefully im working it all offf....................hope so. well today i showed steph my hair and she said it looked the same..:( but i lov it......... i had school all day long and it suxed as usual. but i did an hour of my arranged hours finally.........its so boring and dumb. u watch a video and a lady who gets all mixed up says the same thing over and over and over and over and over....... so it was get.................i cant stop thinking bout be in lov.......why? k=nothing has changed in my life. i still have no o ne and i dont want anyone but i see a bunch of dumb couples so that might be it. they need to stp being so happy. anything good happen today..... oh yeah i threw up so day 1 of being bulimic..so one day ill be thin.yeah!!!!!!!!! oh lucky!!!!!!! i cant wait to hang out with a bunch of people on thursday.....yay! so happy school is almost over for this week and i have so much due next week....gross! so soon........"....ill be chatting with hot babes all day long." hehe

hummmmmm.........words of the day

appearance is everything.
from the color of your hair to the shoes you wear.
what face did you put foward today?
what face will you put foward tomorrow?
today i actually got ready
tomorrow who knows
if appearance didnt matter there would be no segregation
no just amoung differents races but also within class groups
some people look like snobs just by the way they dress
others hicks
and some even ghetto
well me what am face am i constanly putting on for the sake of society?
what face would i really like to put on?
i know.......
but then where would that leave me.......

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: an affair with the theif- far out

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